“You Did Nothing Wrong”

“You did nothing wrong.” is what my OB told me when I was sitting on the table in a gown. Kane was in the room sitting on a chair and I was wondering what he was thinking…what he was feeling.

I felt the tears forming in my eyes as I stared into the doctor’s eyes. She was sitting there reassuring me that this wasn’t anyone’s fault, this wasn’t my fault, that I need to stop thinking that and it just happened to happen…

Let’s start from the beginning. If you haven’t read a previous blog from March about my ectopic pregnancy that happened in February, you can read it HERE to catch up. If you have already read it and know…here is another story.

It was the 4th of July and Kane and I were on our way to a family reunion. As we were driving I noticed that I started to have pelvic pain but I just thought they were random morning cramps and that I needed to use the restroom. When we got to the reunion, the pain started to get worse and it was almost hard to walk. I ignored the pain in hopes that it would just go away. That evening we had a 4th of July party to attend and the pain started to become unbearable. We ended up leaving early because I couldn’t stand it. I called the ER nurse on our way back home, answered many many questions and she suggested that I take a pregnancy test. If I started bleeding or the pain got worse then I needed to go to the ER. The pain went down a little but no sign of bleeding.

I woke up at 3am the next morning and I took a pregnancy test. The positive line was very faint. I thought to myself, “well maybe it’s too early to detect anything.” A couple of hours later the line was more visible. Doctor’s offices were closed due to a holiday on July 5th so I made an appointment at urgent care. They had me do a urine sample. A positive pregnancy.

We walked out of there with smiles on our faces and we felt excited! But, there were many unanswered questions. Urgent care had us go to the ER because of my pelvic pain and my past history with an ectopic pregnancy. Long story short—I had a cyst that burst and that’s why there was pain in my pelvic area. My hCG levels (human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone produced during pregnancy) were in range at the time to how far along I was in my pregnancy. Throughout that entire week I had to go in every other day to see if my levels would double…they went up but not doubling. This was a concern with my OB and he automatically went to the worst case scenario.

We decided to test my levels one more time to see if it made any difference within 72 hours. Sadly, it didn’t, the numbers were dropping. It was a confirmed miscarriage and a couple of options were given to Kane and I on how to proceed. As my OB left the room to give us time to decide on where to go from here, I sat there and cried. So many thoughts were going through my head. So many what-if’s and so much hope. I tried to believe that everything was going to be okay…but that wasn’t the case. It wasn’t, unless we acted fast.

A couple of days later, we met with another OB in the same department to go about our next steps. A biopsy was done to see if there was any evidence of my pregnancy in my uterus. The biopsy was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. Not fun! The next morning I received a phone call with my results. There was no evidence of the pregnancy in my uterus which meant that it was somewhere…most likely my right tube. The only tube I have left. Which would lead to another ectopic pregnancy.

There were two options. 1) get two injections in my hips and 2) have another ectopic pregnancy and lose my right tube. We felt like option 1 was the best and healthiest option. Not ideal of what we wanted to do, but if we want healthy pregnancies, kids in the future and for the safety of my health, we had to go this route.

Two days after my injections, I had to go get my hCG levels tested again and they went down (this is what we want). My OB told me that I had to continue each week to get my hCG levels tested until they were low enough to confirm that the injections worked.

My results came back with my final testing of my hCG levels. The injections worked. It was a relief knowing that an ectopic pregnancy wasn’t going to happen. Our minds are at ease and we’ve come to terms that this just wasn’t the time.

July wasn’t our month…It was a long month. We went from being spot on with ovulation, to praying and keeping our fingers crossed, to excitement, to confusion, being angry, being sad and being in denial.

When we found out this happened to us, we reached out to our parents, siblings, our Pastor and church family. We really needed all the prayers that we could get and the support. We then started telling our close friends and those around us who have been a huge impact on our lives and our journey together.

I can honestly say that this REALLY sucks. But I know a lot of women out there that can relate to the pain that this causes. I don’t understand and probably never will. But I do know that God still has a bigger and better plan for Kane and I. I got angry with God and yelled at him when this happened…it’s okay because he can handle it.

My mother-in-law gave Kane and I a devotional book and wanted us to read the heart break and grief section. Every night before bed, we do a chapter in that section together. It has helped a lot and it helps us talk it out on how we are feeling.

Kane has been nothing but AMAZING and an incredible husband through all of this. And he’s constantly supportive and making sure that I’m doing okay. There are moments where I just need to be alone and to not say anything. He sits right next to me, holding my hand or hugging me until I’m ready to talk.

Going through something like this for the second time doesn’t get any easier. We want to have kids and I’m SO excited for that when it’s time to happen but at the same time, I’m scared. I’m scared that we are just going to see a repeat…

P. U. S.H. —-Pray Until Something Happens.

But keep praying no matter what!

Romans 12:12 tells us, “Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.” 100%

We have much, much, much hope in our Lord that he’s going to bless us with beautiful and healthy children, soon. He still has a GREAT plan for us. We need to keep being patient during this season and we just have to keep praying. God is in control. We aren’t. This is on God’s time. Not ours.

We want to keep thanking the Lord and his Grace, the amazing people in our lives who have been praying for us and the ones who have been sending us kind words in cards and flowers. We love all of you as you welcome us with open arms ready to talk, big, tight and warm hugs, to cry or to just sit there.

Jeremiah 29:11 is a verse that has been engraved into Kane and I’s hearts. “‘For I know the plans I have for you’, says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you future and hope.’”

We appreciate everything from all of you. Thank you.