We Didn’t Know

I kept going back and forth on this. Did I really want to share this or should I just…not? But, I think I’m ready…

Let’s start with Super Bowl Sunday.

Super Bowl Sunday was February 7th. February 7th is very significant to Kane’s family because it’s his sister’s birthday. Every year they love going out to Hu Hot to celebrate and that’s exactly what we did that afternoon. I LOVE Hu Hot but I get it once or twice a year. This was one of those times.

Afterwards, Kane and I went back to our place to rest for a little bit before we headed over to a Super Bowl Party with friends. There was buffalo chicken dip, a veggie tray, ham and cheese sliders, fruit and chips. As the game continued to go on, which was such a boring game, I started to get hot flashes, my stomach wasn’t feeling good, I needed fresh air, go home and lay down. When we got out to the car I started to feel better but as soon as we got back to our place I knew I wasn’t feeling good for real this time. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, got into comfy clothes and crawled into bed. I laid there and all I could think about was that I was going to throw up. Which is exactly what happened. My first thought was that I got food poisoning from Hu Hot or that I ate something at the Super Bowl Party that didn’t sit well with me.

That following Saturday was my 29th birthday. The plan for the day was that Kane and I would go to The Cheesecake Factory for lunch and then head to his parents later that evening for supper. We were enjoying our time together and the waitress came back with my birthday sundae and asked if we’d like to take any cheesecake home, so she handed us a menu to look at. When I was looking at it I just felt my stomach turning and nothing sounded good. I slide my sundae to Kane for him to eat…after I blew out my candle, of course. I told Kane that I wasn’t feeling well and I felt like I was going to be sick. I slept the whole 15-20 minutes of the way home. After we got home, I just needed to lie down and rest for a bit. For the rest of the day I felt completely fine.

Three days later, it was a Tuesday. I woke up and what I had thought was that Mother Nature came early. I was frustrated because I felt like my body and my hormones were just messed up. I ignored it and thought that it was still my body adjusting to not being on birth control anymore.

After lunch that afternoon I had a phone meeting. I wasn’t even 10 minutes into it and I started to feel my stomach turn like my lunch didn’t sit well with me. I left the call and as I was getting up, it felt like someone was stabbing me in the abdominal region. I honestly just thought it was cramps. As I got into the bathroom I started to breathe heavily, I was getting hot and sweat was just pouring down my face. The pain was getting worse. I got out of the bathroom and laid on the bed, curled up hoping that the pain would go away. Well, it didn’t. I was starting to sweat more so I changed into a tank top and shorts, which was such a challenge. I laid back down on the bed and the pain continued. I finally yelled for Kane to come into the bedroom. He saw how much pain I was in so he called 911 for an ambulance. I kept closing my eyes just wanting to rest them. I felt so weak!

The ambulance was on it’s way so I put a sweatshirt and sweatpants on. Kane helped me walk from the bedroom to the hallway but as soon as I got to the hallway I fell to the ground. I couldn’t see anything and I was blacking out. Once the ambulance showed up they kept asking me questions about where the pain was, my medical history, family background and…if I was pregnant. I got rushed to the ER, placed in a room where I laid there watching a handful of doctors running around the room, still asking me questions, poking me..it was all a blur.

After I had my blood drawn a doctor came in and asked me, “Did you know you were pregnant?” Umm…wait what? I was shocked. I told her that I had no idea and she stated that I was 6 weeks along. Was this supposed to be good news to us, because if it was, it only lasted a second. If you don’t know, Kane and I want many babies, okay, so at least three. And we’ve been trying for months. The doctor had told us that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that an ultrasound was mandatory. The OB came in, did the ultrasound and knew that I had a lot of blood filling up in my stomach. About 30 minutes later I was in emergency surgery.

I said I love you to Kane, got rolled into the surgery room and then I was out.

I woke up in a lot of pain. My side was hurting from breathing so hard before surgery, it felt like I was having a panic attack. I vaguely remember Kane coming in and checking up on me. He couldn’t stay with me over night because of COVID restrictions. I felt alone all night, I couldn’t sleep, I was traumatized…I didn’t know what was going to happen next.

My overnight nurse was truly amazing and took good care of me, but I still felt sad and alone.

The next morning, I was super happy that I was able to eat breakfast…even though the eggs tasted funny. One of the surgeons from my surgery came in to talk to me. Apparently I lost four liters of blood and one of them was from my stomach. I couldn’t believe it. He told me that if I would have waited any longer then…well, we know the results of that.

Later my OB/surgeon came in and explained a couple of things to me and what I needed to do to move forward for the next couple of months. She actually showed me pictures from my surgery—-which was pretty cool—and what it looks like now. My left tube ruptured so they removed that but kept my right tube. There’s high hopes that I will have children in the future and that my right tube looks great and healthy. Later that afternoon I went home. My mom stayed the night of my surgery but went back to Sac City the next afternoon.

My stomach was bruised for about a month. I’m talking about my ENTIRE stomach. I had incisions on each side of my abdominal region and about four small ones around my belly button. I felt bloated (from the gas) and felt like I gained 50 pounds for a couple of days. It was very hard to get up and to sit down. I was SO sore.

Even though its been over a month now, I still feel alone, sad, shocked and traumatized at times. I’ll catch myself crying at the most random moments. I would look in the mirror at my stomach and start crying from all the bruising, wanting my incisions to heal and for my bruises to go away. It’s been hard.

Kane and I have been working through this situation and we talk about it a lot. We’ve been finding the positive out of this situation but we are also allowing ourselves to grieve. We don’t know why God had put us through this and we may never know. But our faith is so strong and this has made our married even stronger.

Some days are better than others.

We are very lucky that we both were working from home. If it wasn’t for Kane being with me at that moment, I’m not sure what would have happened or what I would have done in that EXACT moment.

We are blessed by turning to God and people at church, our family and our friends.

I’ve realized that ectopic pregnancies are more common than what I thought. I now know many women who have had this happened to them and now they have very healthy kids. There is hope! No one tells you about ectopic pregnancies and that it can happen. I had no idea.

The thing that hurts a lot is not knowing that we were pregnant. But now we know that we are able to get pregnant and there are high hopes that we will still have kids in the future.

Timing is everything and it’s on God’s time. Maybe he wanted us to get settled into our new home before we start a family? Maybe it was Him telling us to get out of our own heads and to stop worrying about “What if we can’t get pregnant?” and enjoying getting pregnant and spending intimate time together. But, He sure was telling us something. God has something bigger and more beautiful planned for Kane and I in our future together. We have a strong feeling that God will bless us with a beautiful child this year, or maybe even twins! God is good!

I want to thank everyone who has been very supportive of Kane and I and giving us our space and time to grieve. I want to thank Kane the most for being there, being the best husband that anyone could ask for and letting me cry in his arms late at night. He’s an incredible person and an amazing husband. Our time will come for us to have many healthy babies…till then, we will let my body heal, our minds heal and our hearts to heal.

God bless!