I Don’t Understand

I’ve been debating if I should hit publish to make it public or to just go back and erase everything I just said below. But here we are.

God hears our cries and our prayers. I pray every morning that God will bless Kane and I with the expansion of our family. We pray at every meal that God will bless us with the expansion of our family. Our family and friends, church family, small groups and even strangers we end up connecting with pray for the expansion of our family.

We are blessed to have those types of people in our lives rooting for us and rooting for God because everything is in His control and in His own time.

I was counting down the days to when my period was due. I prayed and prayed that I wouldn’t receive it. Come a Friday night and nothing. Saturday morning, nothing. I felt like I was walking on egg shells every time I went to the restroom, “Please, God, no period. Please!” Sunday morning was Mother’s Day and I still didn’t get my period. My stomach was fluttering and I was so anxious and impatient to take a pregnancy test. I was at my mom’s and I was heading back to Des Moines that evening. When I returned home, I told Kane that I wanted to take a pregnancy test. I made my way into the bathroom and waited. I stared at the test as it was blinking waiting for the results. I was shaking. “Lord, please…please let it be positive.” I looked down at the stick. NEGATIVE. I opened the door, cried and cried, clung onto Kane as he held me.

“Maybe it’s too early to detect.”

I reached out to my fertility doctor and decided to wait until day 35 of my cycle and if there was no period, then I would come in to have my period induced.

Everyday I kept taking the cheap pregnancy strips that you can get on Amazon…you never know. Every one of them was still negative. Wednesday I took another one…saw it was negative, threw it away. Thursday I took one and completely forgot about it and saw 1 faint line and 1 darker line. Wait…is that a positive? Friday morning did the same thing, the line was darker. I decided to take TWO Clear Blue tests. The first one I waited patiently in the bathroom, “Lord, I know you’re good. Please Lord…PLEASE!”….PREGNANT! I was shaking and crying happy tears. I ran out of the bathroom and showed Kane. We stood in the living room crying and hugging each other. We couldn’t believe it. GOD IS GOOD! We were so excited and estimating when we would be expecting. A few hours later, I took another test JUST TO MAKE SURE. POSITIVE! I contacted my fertility doctor to tell her the good news. A couple hours later I did blood work and it was a confirmed positive pregnancy. The results came back with my hCG levels starting out great.

I couldn’t believe it! AFTER MONTHS AND MONTHS OF TRYING WE WERE FINALLY PREGNANT!!!!

As the weekend went by, I started spotting. I started worrying but it’s normal to spot lightly during early pregnancy from the implantation and the dry blood from implantation. Monday morning I went back in to see how my hCG levels were. As I waited patiently for a couple of hours, the results came in. They weren’t good. They didn’t even double. My heart shattered.

Tuesday morning I woke up to use the restroom and I started bleeding more. I crawled into bed and bawled as Kane held me. I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why everyone was having babies or getting pregnant. I didn’t understand why my body was rejecting having a baby. I was upset at the world and the timing of everything.

Wednesday morning I went back for more blood work and my levels went down. With my spotting and some bleeding and with my levels decreasing…it was a confirmed early miscarriage.

It was such a long week because after Monday, Kane and I knew…we knew but we didn’t want to hear it. Wednesday was the icing on the cake for all of it. I sat there on the couch, heart broken, confused, angry. I didn’t understand. My heart wasn’t in the right place for anything. I felt like I was getting crapped on. Why me? Why us? WHY US AGAIN!?

I felt numb. I felt worn out. I felt like giving up. I felt anger towards other people. I felt angry with God that I didn’t even have my quiet time with Him. I knew that that’s when I needed God the most. I wanted to fall on my knees and just cry to Him. I wanted Him to tell me why He was putting Kane and I through another storm. WHY!!!

Romans 8:18 tells us that “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”

Isaiah 60:22: “…At the right time, I, the LORD, will make it happen.”

Keep praying as you wait.

It has been a rough past couple of weeks with the news and with all of our friends expecting. I am truly happy for all of them and excited to see them all grow up together, but I am sad for Kane and I. That’s normal.

I go in later this week for blood work to get more answers on why this keeps happening. Another great step in the process.

If you know, you know…it puts a huge mental toll on everything. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I’ve been trying to keep my hope up and my faith alive, turning to God more and reaching out to my prayer warriors when needed. I’ve been enjoying the warm, big hugs that I’ve been receiving and the wonderful words of encouragement that don’t involve, “stop stressing”, “just relax”, “it will happen when it happens”. Thank you, I’ve heard all of this a billion of times…

We will never fully understand why this happens, it could be the timing (God’s timing), God’s plan, something with my body (probably the progesterone levels), clotting issues, stress, PCOS, it can be anything.

Kane and I are thankful that we are able to get pregnant, even though I’ve had to take medication to help with fertility. In the past year and a half, we’ve been pregnant three times. THREE TIMES! It is mind blowing but at the same time, this could also be God telling us to slow down… Offftaaaa, I DO need to slow down, a lot…

This comes from pressure. We had a couple of friends who started getting pregnant and I had in the back of my head, “WE NEED TO GET PREGNANT NOW!” I was putting that stress on myself. Stop, Erica. No. That’s not how it works.

Till then, I still fully rely on God and I am SO grateful for our friend recommending us to our fertility doctor because we have been so blessed with her and her team on getting answers and the steps we are taking. Summer is here, there’s many thing that Kane and I have planned and want to do— going to a Cardinals game (obviously), planning our 2 year anniversary trip, getting our house painted, working on our health more, focusing on each other and our needs, exploring more and not to be so stressed out or anxious!

We are still putting everything in God’s hands, in His control and His own time. We are still going to enjoy being the best aunt and uncle to Levi, Maddux, Brayden and Brylee, loving on our friends’ kids as if they were on own and being happy for those who are expecting. Yes, are some days hard seeing and knowing that? Absolutely. But we don’t expect others to stop their lives just because God’s plans aren’t our plans.

I have many resources that I’ve been going through, people to talk to and activities that help me keep on keeping on. But fully relying on God and going to Kane have been the best to get me through everything. Not to mention, talking to dear friends and family who are currently in the same boat as me. I hear you. I see you.

• Note to self: God is making something beautiful out of you.

• Note to self: Nothing you’ve been through will ever be wasted in God’s hands.

• Note to self: God will fulfill His purpose for your life.

**Remember: Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. —-Proverbs 3:5