Where Have I Been?

Alone. Alone in a crowded room. But there’s so many people around. The noises are so loud. The faces are happy, laughter fills the air and there’s kids running around. But how do I escape? How long can I keep a smile on my face? How long before I completely shut down and block out all the noises? How long before Kane see me and knows it’s time for us to leave?

That’s me. That’s me feeling alone in a crowded room. We’ve all experienced that. I’m not looking for sympathy, but looking for people who can relate to me. Who know they are not alone.

I haven’t wrote a blog post in a VERY long time about our fertility journey and trying to expand our family. I’ve been MIA for several reasons. I haven’t found the motivation to sit down with my ideas and just write. I wasn’t ready to write what had happened last summer. I wasn’t sure if people wanted to hear this story. But in hopes that it will reach many women and families who get it, who understand. 

If you’ve been following my blog for a couple of years, you know that back in 2021, I had an ectopic pregnancy which caused my left tube to rupture and to be removed. That summer, I had an early miscarriage, the next summer in 2022 I had another early miscarriage.

Here’s the new news…August of 2023, I had another ectopic pregnancy and they couldn’t save my right and my only tube left. It ruptured and I left the hospital a couple of days later with no fallopian tubes and the feeling of emptiness, loss, confusion, anger and just depressed. I walked out of the hospital only to feel relieved because I was able to go home, sleep in my own bed, not having people poke me constantly and asking if I passed gas yet (HA!). I also left with 18 staples below my abdomen with a c-section incision. Not what I expected, but there we were…

2023 was a whole year of medicated cycles and tracking month after month after month for ovulation, a lot of blood work and frequent fertility appointments. Everything felt like a chore and I needed a break. Kane and I took the summer off of trying and trying to enjoy what we had going and pick back up before the holidays. That was our plan, right? Well, THAT plan wasn’t God’s plan for us.

I quit taking ovulation medication, quit tracking, I didn’t fill out my tracking calendar every month, I stopped my ovulation tests and kept the box of pregnancy tests unopened. In July, I experienced my ‘monthly cycle’ along in August.

I remember it was the Iowa State Fair and Kane and I went to see For King & Country. I told him that I was having really bad cramps and that it felt like a cyst had burst, due to my PCOS. When a cyst burst, you’re basically just supposed to let it ride out. I wasn’t bleeding or anything. A few days later the pain was starting to get worse, and of course…I just let it ride out.

4:00am that Sunday morning, I was hunched over the bed in extreme pain. 4:30am Sunday morning, we arrive at the ER. I simply tell the front desk that I believe I’m experiencing a cyst that had burst in my ovaries and I’m in extreme pain. They took me back to take some vitals, asked me when my last menstrual cycle was and that they wanted a urine sample for a pregnancy test. (yeah, OK…I’m not but I’ll do whatever…)

They finally got me back into a room 3 hours later, did blood work and I waited for a doctor to come see me. The nurse who was taking care of me asked if I had seen my results yet on MyChart. I said no and he gave me a smirk, told me to check it and that he’ll be right back with the doctor. I felt a little confused on why he was acting that way but I followed his directions and looked at my results. Tested positive for pregnancy. My jaw dropped and I looked at Kane. This was a miracle. I wasn’t on any medication to help me ovulate, we weren’t trying. This is it. This is it! Kane and I took a couple of moments and prayed over this miracle and over ourselves. We knew God was answering our prayers. But my stomach was turning on why I was in here, why I was in here with pain and why I was preparing myself for disappointment. I was scared.

The OB doctor on call came in and I knew. I knew the look on her face because I’ve seen it before. She told us that I was experiencing yet another ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to do emergency surgery. She told me that she would TRY to save my right tube but couldn’t promise anything.

I called my sister and told her what was going on. I told her that I was sorry that I probably couldn’t make her an aunt or to give the boys cousins. My heart broke. I called my mom, and she rushed down to Des Moines to come be with me. Kane made several phone calls to family and never left my side until it was time to get into surgery. I tried to keep my spirits high because I knew that God was with me through all of it. I tried not to be scared but deep down inside, I was terrified and angry. I was angry that I had to go through all of this again. I was angry because I kept thinking to myself, “WHY ME?”, “Why me, AGAIN!?”

The ectopic pregnancy happened a week before Kane and I were supposed to leave for Kentucky for our anniversary trip. Which we rescheduled. We spent our anniversary week by being together and reflecting what had just happened to us AND with an infected c-section incision. THAT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY. I spent a couple of months with an open incision that got infected from the staples, had a wound vac for a couple of weeks. Everything healed nicely and I’m back to being healthy. It was just a VERY long and emotional journey on top of everything else that had happened.

I didn’t think that I would ever use ‘infertility’ in my daily vocabulary. Whether I saw it out loud or in my head, I use it every day. I struggle with it every day. I have struggled with it for a couple of years. And it’s not talked about enough.

But God has A HUGE and totally different plan for us at the moment and He’s leading us and guiding us through this entire journey! Stay tuned for that blog post coming very soon. It’s very excited and fills my heart with joy. Giving God all the glory!

XO!