It Is Well

And through it all, through it all my eyes are on You.

It Is Well by Kristene DiMarco is a song that brings hope during the heartache. The lyrics go into the hurting places of our souls and reminds us that God is with us, always, all the time. We can trust God, even during our storms, when it’s confusing and doesn’t make sense.

When my dad passed away 4 years ago, I remember going back to West Des Moines to my apartment at the time after being back in Pocahontas for a couple of days, decompressing and showering. I was so angry with God…I think that was the only time I’ve been angry with him. But, let me remind you, my faith and my relationship with him wasn’t as big as it is right now. When I got out of the shower Reckless Love came on my Spotify playlist. I listened to the lyrics and broke down…again.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away. Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God.

It's still hard.

Fast forward to two or so years…I was sitting at our dining room table in our apartment getting ready to hop on a Zoom meeting and I started to feel awful cramps but I ignored it until I couldn’t anymore. I ran into the bathroom, started sweating, heavy breathing, the pain increased and I could barely breathe, let alone keep my eyes open. I was rushed to the ER in the ambulance, placed in a room, I could barely keep my eyes open, still, but I heard many people rushing back and forth, poking me, trying to ask me questions. I was losing color in my face and in my lips. A nurse came in and asked me if I knew I was pregnant, I told her no. I was completely shocked, happy but confused at the same time. She said this wasn’t a good situation. An hour and a half later, I was in surgery to get my left fallopian tube removed.

I woke up in recovery and Kane walked in and due to COVID, he couldn’t stay the night with me so I spent all night alone in the ICU still trying to process everything that had happened.

I became confused at God with why it happened. Why did my left tube have to be removed? Why did you take this away from me? WHY? The recovery was hard, physically, mentally and emotionally. This didn’t put a strain on Kane and I’s marriage, it brought us even closer with each other and closer with God. The amount of love we received from friends, family and the church was incredible. But the love that was the most powerful was what we received from God. Even when I was confused, frustrated, sad, envious, a little bitter, God still showed up and showed His love for us.

July 4th, 2021 I experienced pain. Pain in my back and pain when I walked. Almost to the point where it hurt to sit, hurt to stand, hurt to do anything. July 5th, I took a pregnancy test, positive. But, I had made an appointment with Urgent Care later that morning. Confirmed pregnancy…but it didn’t look good. Kane and I went to the ER, did blood work, levels didn’t come back good.

Miscarriage.

This was the worst experience I’ve ever had and (I hope) ever have, in my entire life. We saw doctors who assumed the worst. The details I will leave out.

December 2021 we saw an AMAZING fertility specialist, and still working with her to this day…which was recommended by a close friend. Kane and I remind each other that the miscarriage we had brought us to this fertility doctor. Without our fertility doctor, we would probably still be with the previous doctors…whom we won’t go back to. God knew. God put us through that storm to bring us to something so much greater.

May 2022, it was Mother’s Day weekend, which I spent with my mom at her and her husband’s place. I was late for my period and every time I went to the bathroom, I literally prayed to God, “Please, Lord. Please let there not be any blood.” Every time I went to the bathroom, nothing showed up. Butterflies were in my stomach constantly. I was eager and excited to take a pregnancy test when I got back home. Even though, I thought it was too early to detect. That Sunday, when it was actually Mother’s Day, I got home, told Kane that I wanted to take a test. Negative. I was CRUSHED. I was sad and heartbroken. For once, I wanted that positive pregnancy test on Mother’s Day. How cool and special, right?

That Friday morning, I still didn’t see my period and decided to take a test. Positive. Kane and I cried and cried in each other’s arms full of happiness, joy, praise, and giving all the glory to God, for He is good! I let my fertility doctor know, went in that afternoon for blood work, came back as a confirmed pregnancy and my progesterone levels were looking great! (!!!!) More tests were taken throughout the week…wasn’t looking good.

Miscarriage.

Another heartache.

This one was tough because 3 of our close friends were all pregnant and due around the same time. I was so happy and excited for them (their babies are precious!!!) but I was like WHY ME? WHY IS GOD PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS, AGAIN? WHY NOW!? WHAT AM I DOING WRONG? WHAT DID I DO WRONG? AM I NOT PRAYING ENOUGH? AM I NOT PRAYING BOLDLY ENOUGH? AM I ASKING FOR THE WRONG THING? AM I BEING SELFISH? WHAT IS GOING ON?!

This was hard pill to swallow.

We needed a mental break and decided that we would stop trying and enjoy the summer spending time together, and with friends and family. God would let us know when we are ready to start trying again.

Month after month of medication, blood work, trying and trying and disappointment every month, gets exhausting. Praying the same prayers over and over again can get exhausting. Is God not listening to me? (this is the enemy talking and he’s just having a hay day!)

Shedding tears in the shower. Shedding tears when I’m alone. Shedding tears watching a movie. Shedding tears looking at pregnancy announcements. Shedding tears in bed as Kane clings onto me. Shedding tears as our church family lays their hands on us and prays with us.

It was the beginning of the year and I woke up, went to the bathroom and the song “It is Well” kept playing in my head. I went back to bed and laid there, playing the song in my head and really listening to the lyrics. I knew this was it. I knew this is what I NEEDED to hear. This is my reminder of God’s sovereign will, His greatness, His peace and His comfort, He is always with me, even in my deepest valleys and hardest storms.

A couple of weeks ago during the message that our Pastor gave, he asked anyone who was desperate to raise their hands. I put my hand up. Kane put his hand up. Kane prayed for us out loud (quietly), then I felt hands on us and a warm body wrapped around our shoulders praying with us and for us. After that day, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. I felt like the control that I kept to myself was gone. I felt my worries, my fears, my doubts gone. The control that I thought that I had was gone. God is in control. Not me. Not Kane. Not doctors. But God. (thank you, Lisa!!!)

Two Sundays ago, our Pastor asked everyone who needed prayer to raise their hands. I wrapped my arm around Kane and we both raised our hands. As our Pastor was praying, we felt multiple hands on us. Powerful.

I’m not sure what this year will bring for Kane and I but I know this:

• God is in control.

• It’s God’s timing and it’s INCREDIBLE.

• Boldly praying is important.

• God will do amazing blessings in our life. We may not know the timing but we know that His timing is the best.

• Whatever dark valley that I’m in means that I didn’t do anything wrong, God led me there for a reason and the other side of that is AMAZING and much greater!

• The Lord is MY shepherd. I am His sheep. He will guide me, I will follow Him and He is right beside me through anything.

• I will speak for both Kane and I, we appreciate all the powerful prayers from family, friends, and our church family.

Everyone needs to go to a place for comfort. “It Is Well” is a song that causes us to seek God for comfort, just like Psalm 23 tells us.

Everyone experiences grief. When one person shares their grief with another person, it brings comfort in the shared experience.

I ask “why?” During a loss, everyone struggles with asking so many “why” questions. “Why could God let this happen to me?” Strong faith pushes past the why’s and helps to choose to believe in God’s sovereign will.

But…how do I move forward? We struggle for faith during times of pain, crisis, horrible storms and trauma. We need to depend on God for His comfort and peace.

We all go through many storms and season in our lives. I still think about my dad many times every day. It doesn’t get easier but sometimes it gets easier coping with it.

I still think about and dream about the day that Kane and I bring home our baby. Our rainbow baby. Or in his case, he’s been praying for twins or even triplets this year (!!!!!)

It Is Well’s words point us toward the sovereignty of God and promise peace during life’s stormiest seasons.

So let go my soul and trust in Him. The waves and wind still know His name.